How to Fail at Dieting

I was a slim guy. I never used to eat a lot. I was my mom's daily dinner table nightmare. No vegetables, no gravy, no milk, no fish. I did not care much for meals at all! In fact, i hated fish, with a special passion. So much so, I would not touch it at all, and prefer to stay hungry instead. Having a small appetite meant that wasn't a big deal. Once mom cooked fish with white sauce, and I graced the occasion with my ceremonial hunger strike. My dad (the British viceroy) said "Go on Gandhi, don't eat your fish, but you are not going to touch any other food until you finish it!"

I was able to accept that challenge and go a whole 24 hours without food, after which my dad left the house for work, and this cat in my garden got a lovely fish and white sauce meal with her husband.

But these good times were limited. I turned sixteen when, miraculously, my appetite reached its personal puberty. All of a sudden, burgers seemed extra-attractive. Biryani was a dream come true. Rolls with friends were a must. Coke was water from heaven. And Pepsi was coke from heaven!

Since, then, i started gaining ounces, then pounds , then kilos. Before I knew it, I was obese. However I was and am, thanks to my friends, a sports fanatic. Playing regular football ensured I never became much worse than I really could have been. Still, I needed to shed 15 kilos. 65 kg is the optimum weight for my height and build. I was 80 kg.

This started my quest of dieting. Or it rather marked the beginning of my Thomas Edison adventures. He failed 10,000 times to make a light bulb and said: " I have just learned 10,000 ways how not to make a bulb"

I proudly reveal that I am the Thomas Edison of dieting. Alas, I must add that unlike Edison, I have not finally succeeded in this endeavor. However, that gifts me the opportunity to write this piece.

So to learn how to fail dieting, one must learn how exactly dieting is supposed to be done. There a a few fairly simple and easy to break rules:

In order of level

1) No junk food

2) Tastes good ? spit it out!!

3) If the taste is bearable , do not eat

4) Good drink? forbidden!

5) Do not eat food

Obviously I do not need to make a case about how these rules are easy to break. I have tried to eat fruits, salads but these things simply do not fill your stomach. You could eat a huge salad but it just doesn't fill you up.

Relapse is also a very naughty demon. I have had 4 to 5 good days at a stretch when I went to gym , had decent portions , healthy food. However, then arrives that "time of the month" when I start having food from fast food restaurants to avoid cooking. That's the time when I start having "ice cream" to reward myself. Only trouble is, I commit the equivalent of awarding the noble prize for a school science project model labelled "the solar system"

A great way to fail is to question your definition of failure.

Why are you dieting?
Because you have had some amazing times of indulging.

Some really satisfying moments!
All those wonderful times when you had ice cream, chocolates and all those soft drinks.
They are what life is about! In fact they are more than just that. They are the meaning of life.
They remind you that you are in such a wonderful place.

And guess what? Heaven will be even better.
Why did the creator make prayer compulsory

but He made hunger a regular need that we satisfy
two to three times a day?

Maybe because eating is THE way to remind ourselves

how important it is to be good and
kind so that we may deserve our place in heaven. A place with better food!
Therefore, just like prayer is compulsory five times a day,

eating is just an opportunity to thank
the Lord and to spiritually enlighten oneself.

Why not avail every opportunity to do so!
Life is too short and you won't get a tastier chance than this!

A chain of stupid thought

As valentines day approaches,

I take some time to think about all the girls that may by chance end up being my valentine........ ok times up. None. And that is because I am so magnificent , no girl would be able to keep up.

Okay im not so magnificent, infact I even stole the above line from Inspector Jacques Clauseau, The Pink Panther.

Wasn't that an amazing movie? Too funny. They dont make em like that any more. However, all is not lost. The the world has me, Usman the Unnoticeable.

I couldn't even think of a cool word begininng with U. like Frank the Famous, Simon the Super, Usman the Ultra-Unusual-Under estimated-Umbridge. I give up on umbridge.

Anyways I am a boy who lives downtown. It gives me certain cool feeling cause there is no "downtown" where I am from. The only way I knew downtown is when policemen used to mention it in the movies when they arrested theives. " Cmon you scum, looks like you're going downtown today" .

The Signal

Anything can be a signal. A flare, a glare or a stare. Literally any action, emotion or reaction can serve the purpose of a signal. Signals exist in all forms around us. They can be actions, they can cause actions, and as we speak, they are “in action.”

In a war, a flare may be important enough to decide the victorious party. That is, if it means something! A signal needs to carry meaning. The person it is meant for must know what the signal conveys. Otherwise it is pointless. In Karachi, a flare means some kids are fooling around with fireworks. In a war, it may mean the enemy is about to attack, and the meaning that the action carries makes all the difference to its significance.

Imagine sitting in a restaurant with a group of people. You talk, you joke, you laugh, you say something stupid!

A kick from under the table! That’s your friend sending you a signal that you were not supposed to say that. You understand and shut up, trying to smile while you are under the more painful effects of the signal. In other situations, a kick may have meant to hurt. A hostile signal! However, it’s the context of the action which makes it the kind of signal it is.

Sarcasm is a well known signal. It’s how we say something and mean something else. It’s a great skill to be able to imply something without saying it. Sometimes people just do not want to hear some words, but they are in touch with the real situation. That is when we need people who can get their point across while following social rules. Tactfulness is something that can make a huge difference to your likeability and effectiveness. Telling someone “You just need some gym” can yield an entirely different reaction than by saying “your unfit Dudley” instead. This is because these two lines may get the same point across but the signals which emanate from them are entirely different. The former is a signal of hope and faith, while the latter is condescending and haughty.

As human beings, reading signals is a really important trait. Whoever is better at reading and identifying signals can be successful at what they do. That is exactly what talent is. A talented stock broker can read subtle signals in the market and predict future trends accurately. Lionel Messi always knows where to turn and take the ball because he can masterfully judge what the defenders will do.

All chemical and electric processes depend on signals. There are several gauges at each point in a process expressing signals such as pressures, temperatures, voltages, currents. These are vital since they serve as our translators with the natural phenomenon we are trying to employ. They are imperative for us to be able to understand the process and how to get what we desire.

Therefore, it is correct to say that signals are the basis of how everything works in this universe. To do well in our daily lives, we must be polite, hard working, determined. Yet, it is equally important to improve our art of detecting signals and knowing what they mean in different contexts so that we can select the correct response. Some signals are more subtle than others. However, they are all there. Just like a blind person cannot see a red light, we are blind in a similar manner to some kinds of signals.

That is why it is advisable to receive an education but also to increase your knowledge daily. An illiterate citizen may not be able to understand what signal a new national budget may convey and its effect on his future. Similarly, I may be an engineer but I am an illiterate to the arts and social sciences. Unless someone knows Latin, or has read Dan Brown’s Digital Fortress, they will not understand what I mean if I end a letter addressed to them with the words “without wax”. In Latin the words for “without wax” are “sin cere” and in ancient times, statues were fixed with wax if there were any mistakes. A flawless statue needed no such repairs and was therefore called sin-cere. That is the how the word sincere was born. But the point is that you wouldn’t know this unless you read it here or somewhere else. Hence, increasing knowledge is vital to improve signal-reading.

Hopefully this article may have produced a signal which induces a positive change in the reader.